


Ghosts of the Past

by TeamKalinda



Series: A Year of Very Kalicia Holidays [8]
Category: Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F, Halloween, Holidays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-26
Updated: 2012-10-26
Packaged: 2017-11-17 04:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamKalinda/pseuds/TeamKalinda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trigger Warning: Descriptions of PTSD symptoms/reactions, Reference to suicidal ideation</p><p>This Halloween, Alicia has a ticket to a real life horror show sponsored by Kalinda, the former years.  How will she respond when one of the few little things she’d been able to do to help Kalinda through her nightmares suddenly makes the situation a lot worse? When stress and concern cause Alicia to have a potentially prophetic nightmare of her own, will her desperate suggestion for a new coping method turn out to be the one thing Kalinda won’t do, even for her?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghosts of the Past

**Author's Note:**

> This is the eighth in a series of 10 fics inspired by a holiday challenge. Each fic will give a holiday themed snap-shot of the evolving relationship between Alicia and Kalinda through the time span of one year.

Monday, October 29, 3:14am

Kalinda woke with a gasp as if someone had been holding her head under water. She was trembling; tears streamed down her cheeks and she felt sick – dizzy and nauseous. She sat up slowly, quickly closing her eyes again, trying desperately to slow her racing heart and convince herself that she didn’t need to throw up. Her senses were raw and still overwhelmed with the terror and emotion brought on by the scenes relived in her nightmare.

She needed to get up, move around. A drink of water, some fresh air; any task, no matter how small, would be a helpful distraction. She was on her way to the kitchen when she found Alicia at the dining room table working on her laptop. It was only then that it even occurred to her that she was in Alicia’s apartment. The realization that she was still far more disoriented than she’d thought sent a fresh pang of anxiety through her chest. 

“Kalinda? What’s wrong?” 

Alicia’s voice was tentative but calm, reassuring. She stood and crossed the room before Kalinda could remember how to speak. On some level she was aware that she should find her girlfriend’s presence comforting, but she was still too lost within herself. It felt threatening. As Alicia reached out towards her, Kalinda automatically took a step back. She was too shaken to be touched. She didn’t trust her instincts not to be violently defensive. 

“It’s okay. You’re safe now. Everything is alright.” 

The second time she spoke the sound of Alicia’s voice triggered a strong conflicting set of emotions. On top of everything else she was feeling; it was almost too much to bear. Somewhere within Kalinda’s scattered mind it registered that more than concern, there was also fear on Alicia’s face – and there was nothing she could do about it. Alicia had never seen her this bad. She hadn’t been this bad in a long time. 

“I love you, Kalinda. You’re going to be fine.” 

When Alicia reached out to her again it was out of habit. It had always helped in the past. If she had a bad night, Alicia would hold her and talk to her until the shattered pieces inside of her fit themselves back together into a structure strong enough to stand on its own again. This time, the instant Alicia’s fingers brushed her arm she was torn from their current situation and plunged back into a hell she’d been willing to risk her life to escape. Her body reacted automatically, her fight instincts on high alert. The sound of her own horrified whimper was the only thing that prevented her from being completely overpowered by the reality offered up by the darkest parts of her subconscious.  


Then Alicia was speaking to her again. The tone of her voice was urgent now but Kalinda couldn’t understand her words. Her mind felt fuzzy and the effort required to try to focus made her feel light-headed. Her heart was beating so hard, pushing the adrenaline saturated blood through her veins so quickly it caused a buzzing sound in her ears. For a few seconds she thought she might pass out. Then the nausea returned, much worse than it had been when she’d first woken. 

Alicia followed her as she fled to the bathroom, but Kalinda didn’t hesitate to close and lock the door in her face. She fell to her knees in front of the toilet as vomit sprang from her lips. She was sick for almost 10 minutes. 

Eventually Alicia stopped apologizing and asking if she was alright, leaving her only with the sound of her own retching. When there was nothing left in her stomach, she leaned back against the bathtub, overcome with weakness. The profound emptiness brought with it the relief of numbness. Tears streamed down her cheeks again, but she felt nothing. 

When she had gathered enough strength, Kalinda stood, rinsed out her mouth and splashed water on her face. When she opened the door she found Alicia sitting on the floor with her knees pulled to her chest. Her eyes were red from crying. 

“Kalinda…” Alicia scrambled quickly to her feet. 

Kalinda recognized the expression of helpless concern on her lover’s face, but no emotion registered. A part of her acknowledged that she owed Alicia something, but in that moment she lacked the fortitude for anything more than surviving from one second to the next. 

As Alicia’s warm, concerned eyes searched her face for any sign of the person she claimed to love, Kalinda spoke her first words since they had gone to bed together hours before. 

“I have to go now.” 

 

****

 

There wasn’t any part of it that she hadn’t found a way to blame herself for. She was convinced there was no way it would have gotten that bad if she hadn’t left her alone. 

Kalinda hadn’t been sleeping well for weeks. The nights they’d spent together she’d been uncharacteristically restless. When all else failed, she’d done her best to keep Alicia talking as long as possible to put off going to sleep. She’d had trouble staying asleep, too. Alicia had woken several times in the last month to find her lover lying awake next to her, staring into the darkness. A tender touch and a few soothing words were usually enough to calm Kalinda when she woke in a panic, but Alicia had been able to do little else to help her. And, while she could only speculate about what happened on the nights they weren’t together, she could see the effects wearing on her girlfriend. Kalinda was good at hiding a lot of things, fatigue among them, but she just wasn’t good enough under these circumstances. 

She had been exhausted the night before and Alicia should have known better. The nightmares were far more likely to overpower her when she was extremely tired. The work would have waited…and even if it wouldn’t; it wasn’t more important than Kalinda feeling safe enough to get the rest she needed. 

Alicia was preparing a case for one of the firm’s biggest clients. It was the most prestigious case she’d ever handled on her own and the importance of performing at the top of her game had not been underemphasized. Kalinda had spent the entire day running around the city tracking down leads and tying up loose ends for her case, and she wasn’t even getting paid for most of it. 

In light of the recent cut-backs, one of the firm’s new rules entailed a stipulation that all associates still on the payroll for the time being had to apply in writing for anything more than the very minimum number of investigator hours. It was a long, tedious process which resulted in denials far more often than not. When Alicia had tried to point out that Kalinda had no obligation to spend her Sunday doing work she wasn’t likely to be reimbursed for; she wouldn’t hear it. 

_“I’m helping you. I live to help you. No one gets to downsize that.”_

That had been the end of the discussion. 

And it wasn’t as if Alicia’s case was the only thing Kalinda was working on. She was looking into David Lee’s ‘potential pedophile,’ was involved with something to do with religious discrimination for one of Cary’s cases and had a deadline to meet for the background checks on Will’s new clients. Somehow she managed to fit it all in, but it took its toll. 

After a long busy day of preparations for the upcoming week, they’d ordered Chinese and settled in for several more hours of sorting through paperwork. When they had finally gone to bed, Kalinda was so tired she hadn’t even tried to instigate anything which was far from her usual M.O. 

Alicia had woken about an hour later, her mind reeling with all the little details of her case and she couldn’t get back to sleep. Kalinda had been sleeping deeply at the time, evidenced by the fact that Alicia had been able to get up without waking her. She’d seemed content and she’d desperately needed the rest. 

These were all of the excuses Alicia had come up with to try to justify her actions while she spent the rest of the night, after Kalinda had left so abruptly, trying to figure out what she could have done differently. She’d made no real attempt to stop her from leaving. At the time Kalinda had seemed emotionally drained, but for the most part calm and clear headed. Giving her a hard time about needing some space after such an ordeal wouldn’t have done either of them any good. This was true even if there wasn’t any part of the incident she didn’t wish had gone differently, including being left alone with her thoughts and regrets when it was over.

****

 

The next morning, Alicia almost choked on her coffee when Kalinda walked into her office as if nothing had happened the night before. She didn’t know what she’d expected, exactly, but it wasn’t this. What Kalinda had been through – what they had been through, was something in an entirely different category from the usual level of dysfunction they had somehow managed to make work. In some ways, seeing Kalinda all put together now while having an acute awareness of the extent of her anguish only hours earlier made Alicia look at her girlfriend differently. They couldn’t just ignore this. 

But even if she’d wanted to; Alicia didn’t have time to get into all of that at the moment – especially if Kalinda was going to play games. She was due in court in less than an hour. Mere morbid curiosity and the lack of a better approach of her own pushed her to let this play out however it might. 

“Do you remember when we were talking about doing something for Halloween?” Alicia nodded, failing to return Kalinda’s cautious smile. 

“I heard on the radio this morning about an event at the pier with this haunted house that sounds really - ”

“I’m not taking you to a haunted house, Kalinda,” Alicia snapped, cutting her off mid-sentence. “I’ve seen enough horror on your face to last a lifetime.” 

“Okay,” Kalinda said, shrugging. 

Anyone that didn’t know her well might have believed she really didn’t care, but Alicia knew she’d struck a nerve. She immediately regretted hurting her. That hadn’t been her intention. None of what had gotten them here had been within Kalinda’s control and petty jabs when her girlfriend was feeling fragile was not the kind of behavior Alicia engaged in. But this was what their typical, convoluted form of communication dissolved into when Kalinda tried to pretend an important issue didn’t exist. And Alicia was, apparently, much easier to frustrate when she hadn’t slept. 

“Well, I have to meet with Will. I guess I’ll talk to you later.” 

With that, Kalinda turned and left so quickly she almost flattened David in the hallway. 

“Trouble in paradise?” David inquired, sticking his head into Alicia’s office. 

Alicia just sighed and shook her head. 

“Look on the bright side, Alicia,” he offered. “You can’t marry her so you’ll never have to divorce her. …but if the law changes you know I appreciate your business.”

****

On Tuesday, Kalinda showed up while Alicia was in court. She happened to look up in the middle of a cross-exam and found her girlfriend sitting 2 rows from the back watching her like she was the only other person in the room.

She was wearing the jacket Alicia had bought her. It had been an impulse buy and one she really couldn’t afford at the time. Then she had been nervous about giving it to her. Kalinda didn’t see a lot of value in spending money on herself – her wardrobe being one of the very few exceptions. She’d worried that she wouldn’t like it, that it wouldn’t live up to her expectations. But in the end the priceless expression on Kalinda’s face had removed all doubt from her mind. It was clear she didn’t have a lot of experience being the recipient of a gift for no other reason than the fact that she was loved. …and she looked stunning in red leather. 

Alicia was sure Kalinda had seen the surprise on her face and that the few seconds it had taken her to remember what she was saying hadn’t gone unnoticed. The next time she’d turned around, Kalinda was gone. She called her the first chance she got but there was no answer. Alicia was disappointed but not surprised. These kind of mixed signals defined Kalinda in crisis. 

Sometimes it helped to press her a little, just enough to remind her that whatever it was, she didn’t have to deal with it alone, but not this time. Just the thought of accidently triggering Kalinda again was emotionally paralyzing to the point that Alicia didn’t trust herself to be what her lover needed. This time she would wait until Kalinda was in a better place to tell her what she could do to help – even if such a thing seemed like only wishful thinking.

****

Wednesday, October 31, 1:57am

Alicia woke with a start. She was immediately aware that she’d been having a nightmare, but that did nothing to ease the very real, very painful aching sense of loss that had taken up residence inside her chest. It felt as if some part of her, a part vital to the maintenance of life, had been torn from within her.

The idea of losing Kalinda, truly losing her – forever – was unthinkable. 

She would have felt so much better if only Kalinda had been lying beside her. If she could just feel the warmth of her skin, be reassured by the cadence of her breathing; but of course she wasn’t there. That was the core of the problem. 

Alicia reached out and pulled the adjacent pillow into her arms. It smelled like Kalinda. The soft scent of her shampoo was familiar, comforting. Alicia held onto the pillow tightly as silent tears slid down her cheeks.

****

She had been distracted all day; the rattled feeling she’d experienced the night before sticking with her in an unprecedented manner. It didn’t help that Kalinda had been out of the office and she hadn’t even seen her in passing.

Alicia resisted the urge to call her, but just barely. She was feeling needy and didn’t want to be a burden. With each passing moment she sympathized with Kalinda more…which did nothing for her ever increasing concern. It was unclear at this point just how much of her worry was legitimate and how much she’d built up in response to her own circumstances. It all felt the same. 

It was quarter ‘til 6 when she caught herself staring at her cell phone for the third time in less than an hour. She’d wasted enough time to have completed her case notes several times over. She picked up the phone with every intention of burying it at the bottom of her purse, but made a spur of the moment decision to try texting Kalinda. In her mind this was more acceptable than calling because text messages where less intrusive and easier to ignore. She didn’t have much time to try not to get her hopes up for a reply. 

Her message: _“Can I come see you tonight?”_ was met with a quick and simple, if not surprising response: _“Of course.”_

****

Kalinda was wearing yoga pants and a tank top. Her hair hung loose, curly from being pinned up all day. She was beautiful even despite the crushing fatigue written all over her face. She didn’t even seem to be trying to hide it at this point.

“Do you want a drink?” 

“Sure. What are you having?”

Alicia followed Kalinda into the kitchen where the party had clearly started without her. 

“White Russian.” 

Not one of Kalinda’s usuals. In fact, this wasn’t something Alicia had ever seen her drink. It wasn’t lost on her that her girlfriend was purposely infusing her alcohol with caffeine. This was expert level self-inflicted sleep deprivation. She wondered just briefly what other self-destructive choices Kalinda had been making lately before realizing she was probably better off not knowing the extent of it. 

This wasn’t the time to be critical, so she tried a different approach. 

“Well, that shines a whole new light on the milk at the office.” 

A small flicker of a smile danced across Kalinda’s lips and suddenly that horrible ache to hold her was back with a vengeance. Alicia watched as Kalinda prepared their drinks. She moved efficiently, her hands steady and sure. It was certainly distracting, but not in the way she’d hoped. 

The need to touch her wasn’t driven by sexual desire. It was as if she could just have a moment to lose herself in Kalinda’s existence, just a few seconds where they were the only thing that mattered to reassure herself that they were both okay, that they were going to be alright – maybe then she’d be able to think straight again. To be this close and to need her in a way she never really had before, but to have all the mental bells and whistles go off at the first thought of reaching out to her – it was maddening. 

Alicia had needed Kalinda in a lot of ways throughout the course of their relationship, but only now was it clear that she’d never truly been at her mercy – vulnerable in the way she caused her to be every time she pushed her outside her comfort zone. To need the most important person in your life in a certain way and to simultaneously be unsure whether they would understand or be able to respond appropriately was an inexplicably terrible feeling. 

“Can we sit down?” Alicia asked, motioning towards the living room as Kalinda handed her her drink. Kalinda nodded and followed her to the couch. 

“You look exhausted.” 

“I haven’t been sleeping well.” 

Kalinda’s response wasn’t sarcastic, but it also wasn’t getting them anywhere. 

“Kalinda, I’m sorry about the other night…” That was really the only place to start. Kalinda shook her head, not making eye contact. 

“You don’t have to say that.” 

“I do. Even if we both know I would never, ever, trigger you like that on purpose…it doesn’t mean I don’t feel awful that it happened.” 

Kalinda looked up slowly. She frowned slightly as her tired eyes studied Alicia’s face. She knew something didn’t seem right. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” 

Alicia drew in a slow breath to steady herself before she replied. All she had to do was be honest about what she was feeling, but the emotion threatening to close off her throat indicated just how important it was to express her concerns the right way. 

“I’ve never seen you as upset as you were that night. It just really shocked me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it to the point that I’ve started having nightmares of my own. Once it occurred to me that if things have gotten that bad for you, it’s not that much of a stretch to imagine you might hurt yourself and I…I couldn’t…” 

“Hey,” Kalinda touched Alicia’s face in an attempt to soothe her. The contact came as such a surprise it took her breath away. “I wouldn’t do that to you; okay? You would blame yourself. It would ruin you. I wouldn’t do that.” 

Alicia would have felt better about her girlfriend’s response which was obviously meant to be reassuring, if it hadn’t sounded like something she’d previously considered. 

“What else is going on in that head of yours?” Kalinda asked, maintaining their casual physical connection by resting her hand on Alicia’s thigh. 

This was new for them. Kalinda rarely if ever had to coax Alicia into sharing what she was feeling. Somewhat arrogantly she’d often thought of her willingness to be open with her girlfriend as setting an example for her in terms of healthier communication. Realizing just how much she’d come to depend on Kalinda to be there to hear her had been an unexpected blow. All the self-assured confidence she’d once had showed every sign of having slipped away with the realization of just how much she’d been taking Kalinda’s emotional support for granted. 

“You’re not going to like this…”

“I always feel so reassured when you start a sentence like that.” Kalinda’s tentative half smile encouraged her to continue. 

“I love you, Kalinda.” 

“I don’t mind that, actually…” 

“…but I’m worried about you.” 

“That I don’t like as much.” Alicia took a deep breath and plunged ahead. 

“I realize that anything reminiscent of talk therapy probably wouldn’t do you a lot of good, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything that can help. Even just some medication to take the edge off your anxiety and help you sleep better could make all the difference in the world.” 

Within seconds all the expression vanished from Kalinda’s face. 

“You think I need therapy.” 

It wasn’t a question, a statement rather, – an accusation. It was difficult to tell if Kalinda had been offended, insulted or something worse, but as she pulled away physically, Alicia could practically see her walls go up.

“I think you’re hurting and I wouldn’t rule out anything that might make you feel better. It’s not something to be ashamed of, Kalinda.” 

“You’re going to try to fix me,” Kalinda began, the detached tone of her voice making Alicia extremely uneasy. “And when that doesn’t work out, you’ll be able to justify moving on because what could you be expected to do with such a lost cause? I guess I should be grateful you care enough to even try.” 

“No, sweetheart…” Kalinda raised an eyebrow at the term of endearment. 

“Has it ever occurred to you, Alicia, that maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be a sweet, congenial person even if I wasn’t the kind of screwed up that seems to indicate professional intervention?!” 

“I don’t care that you’re a bitch, Kalinda, I care that you’re in pain!” 

At first Alicia was unsure if the sound Kalinda made in response to her outburst had been a laugh or a sob. It was then she realized it was something of a combination of both. Kalinda closed her eyes for a moment, rubbing her temples. 

“Listen to me; I need you to try to understand. I need to be in control of my demons because what I become when I’m not, what I can be – that person doesn’t deserve you. She could do you a lot of harm. I don’t need someone poking around inside my head, Alicia. Sometimes you take a cork out of a bottle and you have no control over what comes out – it’s just not a good idea, no matter how well intentioned.” 

“I’m not afraid of you,” Alicia said softly. 

“You think you’re not.” Kalinda sighed. “That’s why I worry.” 

“Very few people have seen me like I was the other night, and you’re the only one that, given the chance, didn’t run screaming the first time they caught a glimpse of the monster inside of me. …I’m dangerous when I’m like that and I’d never forgive myself if I hurt you.” 

Kalinda sighed and leaned back into the couch, resigned. 

“I’m not going to commit to therapy because I won’t make you a promise I don’t think I’d be able to keep even if I wanted to. But I can see how much this is affecting you. The last thing I want is to drag you down with me. You know there isn’t anything in the realm of my capability that I wouldn’t do for you. That includes working on this – one way or another.” 

Alicia nodded, offering her girlfriend a grateful smile. This was more than she’d hoped for. It was clearly difficult for Kalinda to make even such a non-committal concession and Alicia didn’t take her effort lightly. If she would even consider doing something to ease this burden on herself, Alicia was more than happy to be the cause for the justification in her mind. 

“I love you,” Kalinda whispered. Her expression spoke volumes about the internal conflict she was feeling, but she didn’t look away. 

“There’s not a doubt in my mind,” Alicia replied. “And I love you.” 

As Kalinda moved closer and leaned into Alicia’s arms, the dull void inside of her finally began to abate. Kalinda Sharma was so many things to her, but in that moment just the tactile reassurance that she was alive, warm and breathing, brought Alicia an actual physical relief. A moment passed in silence as Kalinda settled and Alicia stroked her hair.

“I’m sorry you didn’t get to go to the haunted house.” Of all the things running through Alicia’s mind, she had no idea why that’s the one she’d chosen to give voice to. Kalinda chuckled softly. 

“I didn’t want to go to the haunted house. I didn’t think you would, either, but you cut me off before I had a chance to make my other offer.” 

“There was another offer?” Kalinda smirked in response to Alicia’s intrigue. 

“I was going to say that if you wanted to stay in I could make you scream all night long…and I wasn’t imagining anything scary.” 

Alicia laughed. That sounded like her Kalinda. 

“Do you think I could get a rain check for that? You’ll probably want to rest up first.” 

“Absolutely,” Kalinda agreed, “on both counts.” 

Another moment of silence passed between them and then Alicia felt the tension slowly leaving Kalinda’s body as she surrendered the battle against her exhaustion. 

“Well, I guess I don’t have to ask if you want me to stay tonight,” Alicia said softly, kissing the top of her lover’s head. Whether in response or by instinct alone, Kalinda’s soft sigh was all the confirmation Alicia needed.


End file.
